November 4, 2010

Feeling better

I woke up this morning feeling as close to "normal" - whatever the heck that is - as I have for weeks and weeks.  This is the first sunrise that is not accompanied with pain in over 3 weeks.  The feed tube apparently never has been right and has been the source of my most intense discomfort.  Do not get my wrong; the chemo side effects have not be a cake walk but none of those side effects included actual pain, per se.  It is amazing how after weeks of constant pain, my nerves are just shot.  I guess it is a body reaction to dealing with constant pain and likely a different body reaction than occurs when we have a sudden blast of short term high level pain.

Anyway, I might actually venture out of the house today to go find a recliner that is going to be trusted with getting me some sleep in the not too distant future when the combo chemo and radiation starts.  I already have a lot of sleepless nights walking the halls and hanging out in the living room cause by just the chemo. I think a recliner in another room with a TV to stare at might be the answer for me getting more sleep.  Certain Lieska would be better off without my early morning disturbances.

I did do some things to put the brakes on my mental outlook downward slide.  The staff at the Cancer center is well-equipped to deal with patients who suddenly decide they would rather take the easy way out and just let the cancer decide if they will live or die.  That accurately describes how I felt late last week and on through the weekend.  Today, I feel more like me wanting to visit the some-day retirement place in NC, maybe try to go fishing in the next week or two.

Maybe more important, I feel like I have let a few others try or actually encroach into my areas of responsibility where I work; something that makes me very unhappy because I have such strong specific boundaries on how I like to see things handled for my much-valued customers.  I feel like I have not been watching out for them as close as I like to make sure that they are treated in the manner they have become accustomed to over my four years as their advocate inside the company I work for. My guilt about this should serve as a good kick in the butt to shake off the fog and get back in the grove.